i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
