oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
