She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
