just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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