I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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