First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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