so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
