Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
