watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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