You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
