My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Small penises have feelings too.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
