3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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