I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
