why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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