1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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