Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
