Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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