it wasn't lemon gatorade
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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