Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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