What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
