Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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