So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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