Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
