Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
