Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
