he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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