Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
