i need an iv and a liver transplant
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
