Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
