I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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