My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
