Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
