Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
