Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
