It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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