Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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