im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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