My cat gives me a boner
smell my finger.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
