I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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