My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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