Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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