he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
