He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
