I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
