Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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