I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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