the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My vagina is officially offended.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
