3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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