wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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