This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
